The
Devil's Reviews

The Woman in Red

I'm reviewing The Woman in Red because it was one of the few films that a thirteen-year-old movie fan could go to in order to see full frontal nudity, in 1984 anyway. That nudity is too brief, though it is fine indeed, and would certainly have been a salve to horny pubescent boys. Twenty-five years ago, things were tough for your average twelve-year-old boy, who was dying for a glance at a pussy, and was unlikely to get it. Hell, most children going through puberty were supposed to pretend that they were asexual and somehow concentrate on school work or "healthy outdoor activities."  Yeah.  Right.  It's amazing how quickly adult males forget what it was like.  Kids are still supposed to pretend today, but now the internet is around to provide minor relief.

So, the movie is PG-13 and has a naked hot babe.  How is it otherwise? It sucks. I could word that more intellectually or literarily, but why bother?  "Sucks" covers it. It's a comedy without anything close to humor and a "touching affirmation of true love and family" that doesn't touch or affirm anything. A remake of the French Un éléphant ça trompe énormément, it is essentially a blend of The Seven Year Itch and 10, but without the talent. Gene Wilder plays a middle-aged family man who becomes obsessed with a beautiful model (Kelly LeBrock) who he sees replicating Marilyn Monroe's windy vent scene. He chases after her in a series of bland slapstick routines while his friends carry out their own infidelities, all of which is uncomfortable, not humorous.

As a bedroom farce, this could have been amusing (with an entirely new script), but the sentimentality is too damn sticky. Half the film is serious, demanding that the viewer care about these characters, and the rest is rejected material from Saturday Night Live. You can't have it both ways: go for the sap or for the zany pratfalls, not both.

If you can figure out why the title character would give the nerdy businessman the time of day, you're better than me (And I'm The Devil, so you are not better than me). In 10 it was at least partially believable, but there the main character was a nice schmuck.  Here he's an annoying ass who always looks like a fool.  Yeah, the ladies love that.

Kelly LeBrock looks fabulous, but that's not enough of a reason to sit through this crud. And no woman, no matter how beautiful and naked, is so sexy that she can counter the pain of listening to Stevie Wonder's ode to schmaltz, "I Just Called To Say I Love You"—at least if she's only a phantom on a screen.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Give me a break.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	Nada.
Gluttony	Nada.
Aesthetics	Kelly LeBrock has a very artistic ass.
Surrogate Cruelty	Wilder's character gets beaten up in various ways, none of them interesting.
Thought	Nada.
Humor	Sorry. Comedy is hard, and this ain't comedy.
Lust	The good stuff is all about LeBrock. Story-wise, Lust is denigrated.