The
Devil's Reviews

Vampire Vixens

A Well, you can’t say Seduction Cinema doesn’t have its heart in the right place, but it doesn’t have one bit of brain in its little head. Time after time, it releases a series of lesbian scenes loosely held together by a parody of a horror, fantasy, or comic book icon. And time after time, it doesn’t work. Oh, the lesbian scenes often do, but the talent isn’t there for everything that doesn’t involve muff diving.

Vampire Vixens has better than average girl-on-girl action. But the surrounding story is painful, and not in a “Oh baby hurt me” way. Zachary Winston Snygg stars as Eugene, a character who is not funny, interesting, or engaging. He is embarrassing. He apparently has a problem staining his underwear (Oh, how funny), and squints a lot and has large thick glasses (Oh, the comedy!). For reasons known only to the “writer,” Eugene has a magic book and raises Dracool (Tina Krause), a hot vampire vixen (understand the title now? I don’t, since she’s the only vampire in the movie), who likes to hang out in basements in only a g-string and cape. Unfortunately, that’s all she does. Eugene is sent out to kill her nemesis, Wally Van Helsing, who’s Eugene’s equal both is mental incompetence and lack of humor. He also has problems keeping his underwear clean. Eugene is sidetracked in his quest by lesbians. He gazes into windows to watch these girls who otherwise have nothing to do with the film. The lesbians include Misty Mundae, a girl with a luscious, natural looking body. She can’t act. Nor does she ever look like the sex acts she’s performing are real. Yet, she has a quality that makes men (and lesbians) drool. She is what sinning is all about. Unfortunately, she does two very watchable sex scenes and has nothing to do with the rest of the film.

Now, here is a note to novice filmmakers. Even people into scat play are unlikely to find fecal incontinence sexy. Nor is it funny. Yet that is the theme that runs through every non-lesbian scene. If two girls aren’t playing lick the dots, Eugene or Wally are enlightening the viewing audience on the uncertain state of their bowels. If Misty got you excited, that’s going to bring you down.

A softcore film must give you a reason to choose it over a hard core one. It is offering you less in explicitness, so it needs to make up for that with an erotic story, characters you can become involved with (one way or another), and perhaps some humor and charm. Since hard core has been using very attractive people for some time, cute babes aren’t enough. All Vampire Vixens has to offer is Misty Mondae. And it counters her with unrelenting comments on poor sanitation.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Nothing.
Sloth	Nothing.
Avarice	Nothing.
Gluttony	Nothing.
Aesthetics	The only beauty here is in the female forms.
Surrogate Cruelty	Nothing.
Thought	Nothing.
Humor	No.  It's about as funny as a burning sulfur bath.
Lust	Nudity: Tina Krause is always topless. Misty Mundae, A.J. Khan, Katie Jordan, Darian Caine, Elizabeth Hitchcock reveal all, frequently. Sex: Misty Mundae & Elizabeth Hitchcock go at it hot and heavy before Hitchcock goes off for a shower leaving Mondae to masturbate. A.J. Khan requires some licking and sucking from Katie Jordan during a corporate job interview. Repeat with Darian Caine. Then she calls them back and takes them simultaneously. I’d use character names, but why bother. The filmmakers didn’t.

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