Hardbodies 2

The Devil Says

Skip It

(Unless you're really desperate to see a tit)

I'm all about exploitation in its many forms, so I'm not going to condemn the filmmakers for exploiting the success of 80's tit-fest Hardbodies with a sequel in name only. I'll just condemn them for doing it so poorly. Hardbodies set the bar low and Hardbodies 2 heroically dips lower.

The concept, if not the story, isn't bad. Young, California-surfer-dude actors, an overly-artistic director, and a greedy producer shoot a cheap film that reflects the events in their real lives. Add in more tits than the most efficient accountant could count and you've got the basis for an amusing flick.

Brenda Bakke topless
The obnoxious fiancée taking a bath, because the writers couldn't come up with a better reason for her to be naked.

But a good concept isn't worth much if it isn't used in a complete screenplay and I doubt that anyone finished a script. I wouldn't call what was used a screenplay, just a bunch of pages. Each scenario is only vaguely related to those around it. There are slap stick routines that come out of nowhere and have no repercussions. There's a fist fight between two major characters (who are as anonymous as the nameless beach babes) that has no build-up and is irrelevant afterwards. There's even a kidnapping that fades away.

Without a story that has much of an end and no middle, and without anything close to  character development, the only hope is Humor and Lust. The Humor is supposed to come from a series of mistaken identity gags and people tripping, falling, and stumbling about. Without context, all you've got are empty time-fillers.

Hardbodies 2 bare breasts Some of the many tits on display in Hardbodies 2

As for Lust, all that you'll find here are bare breasts.  Lots and lots of bare breasts.  Tits galore.  There are other parts of the female body that are sexy, but this is purely a tit film. I applaud the filmmakers' mammary obsession and their enthusiasm for bringing so many nipples into the light. That said, they needed to dwell more on quality than quantity. That's no crack at the many fine women and their plentiful orbs. No, the problem is attention span. This is breast ADD. There's no lingering. There's no loving inspection of flesh. Nope, a nipple appears and then is gone. There might be 300 shots of perky teats, but I doubt if all combined they take up 150 seconds. I like to spend a little time getting to know each bosom: size, shape, and color. Here it's just a rapid parade. 

I love a good '80s T&A (or even just T) exploitation comedy. This isn't one.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride Nada.
Sloth Nada.
Avarice Money lets you take cruises with topless babes and visit Greek beaches.
Gluttony Nada.
Aesthetics The beaches are lovely as are the topless females.
Surrogate Cruelty There's a punch and...  Eh, forget it.  There's nothing.
Thought Nada.
Humor The whole thing's light and you may find a moment or two worth a laugh, though probably not.
Lust Plenty of tits. Good if you're trying to set a record for most nipples seen in a day.

Buy It


Film Info

Director: Mark Griffiths

Writers: Eric Alter, Mark Griffiths, Curtis Wilmot

Cast: James Karen, Alba Francesca, Louise Baker, Alexi Mylonas, Brad Zutaut, Curt Wilmot

Runtime: 88 min